


The Blunt Excuse

by anotherFMAfan



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Humor, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 00:11:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10605234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherFMAfan/pseuds/anotherFMAfan
Summary: “As incredibly satisfying as it would be to spank you, I’m afraid I don’t derive any sexual excitement or pleasure from the idea.”Ed->Roy, RoyX(Hidden). A silly fic written just for fun. Explicit rating is mostly for language. Written in 2008.AU in which Ed is 18, and visits Roy's office to suggest some "adult activities."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written a few weeks after I began posting fic, early 2008. I wanted to write something that was silly and mostly dialog, and poke a bit of fun at myself. 
> 
> So try not to take this fic too seriously!

Edward Elric knocked, and then entered Roy Mustang’s office, trying to quiet his nerves. As he closed the door behind him, Mustang scooted in to his desk and cleared his throat.

“Fullmetal, this is unexpected.” He rather looked as though it were unexpected; he seemed a bit rumpled, and Ed realized with a roll of his eyes he must have been sleeping. If Hawkeye caught him doing that…. Though he couldn’t deny that a sleep-mussed colonel looked very enticing. That was the whole reason he was there.

“I need to speak to you about something.”

“Permission granted,” he said with a nod.

Ed took a deep breath and wondered how to phrase it, hoping to hell he didn’t blow this.

_For the last five years or so I’ve wanted to tell you this…._

_I’ve been having some strong feelings for you and recently they’ve become…urgent…._

_We’re both adults and I wanted to suggest some adult activities…._

“I want to have sex with you,” he blurted.

Mustang blinked and Ed cursed himself up and down.

“I…I beg your pardon?”

Ed cleared his throat.

“Please…uh, please have sex with me.”

“That would be entirely inappropriate,” he said automatically, still looking quite shocked.

“Well, but I’m eighteen now. It’s not illegal….”

“You’re still my subordinate. And I feel the need to point out that you are…” Mustang paused for a moment, and Edward’s brain filled in all kinds of horrible possibilities.

“…Male.”

“Well, _yeah_ ,” he said in disbelief.

“Therefore we cannot have sex,” said Mustang as though it were obvious.

“Sure we can! It’s no big deal, you’re always doing all those women.”

“Exactly, Fullmetal. _Women_.”

“Come on,” he said, giving him his best sexy eyes. “It would be good….”

“No thank you.”

“You didn’t think that was sexy?” he asked incredulously.

“No.”

Edward stepped closer to the desk, convinced he could do this, if he could just get Mustang horny, and he’d read that talking about what you wanted was a good way to do that.

“I want you,” he said, putting his hands on his hips suggestively.

“That just doesn’t do it for me.”

“I need you inside of me…I want to feel you fill me.”

Mustang stared at him blandly.

“Are you getting hard because I said that?” he asked, leaning over the desk to peer into his lap.

“Limp as a ragdoll, I’m afraid.”

“Well, what if I said I wanted to put your cock in my mouth? I want to lick it and suck on it until you can’t hold back.”

“Well, Fullmetal, that _is_ causing a reaction…I now feel rather nauseated.”

Ed gave a harsh sigh, and thought for a moment before trying a different tactic. Some people thought this was sexy, right…?

“I want you to hit me. I want you to hit me and…make me hurt. You could put me over your leg and spank me.”

“As incredibly satisfying as it would be to spank you, I’m afraid I don’t derive any sexual excitement or pleasure from the idea.”

“Then what can I say?!” he demanded in frustration.

“Edward,” he said, sitting up to fold his hands on the table, “I simply do not want to have sex with men.”

“Neither do I!” he hissed, glaring. “I just want to have sex with _you_.”

Mustang gave a long-suffering sigh.

“Very well, I am not attracted to men or, _miraculously,_ only you.”

Edward crossed his arms over his chest.

“Okay, you…you like girls. What if I…dressed up like a girl?”

The colonel clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the laughter that immediately sprang fourth.

“Don’t laugh, bastard! Would you have sex with me or not?!”

With a last sigh of mirth, he shook his head.

“No, Fullmetal. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

He was silent for a few moments.

“You couldn’t even just pretend I’m someone else?” he pleaded.

“I’m since all of my ‘someone else’s are lacking a protruding organ between their legs, and posses the necessary receptive orifice, no.”

Mustang could see the desperation building in Edward’s eyes, and was prepared.

“Please, just- I need-”

“Fullmetal, if you take one more step toward this desk I will light your hair on fire,” he warned. “I am not, nor will I ever be, attracted to you. Now just return your focus to your work.”

Edward gave a last, desolate look at him before fleeing the room, slamming the door behind him.

Mustang let out a tired sigh and shook his head before turning to Havoc.

“By all means, carry on.”

Jean pushed the chair back from the desk and ducked out of his place beneath it.

“Don’t you think you were a little harsh on the boss?” he asked as he pulled the colonel’s fly down once more.

“Oh, he’ll get over it,” said Roy with a smirk. “I just needed to make it clear that your position is not open.”

Jean grinned back and returned his mouth to the task before it.

*          *          *          *


End file.
